It’s not you, it’s them… really

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.”

― Thích Nhất Hạnh

Take a moment to REALLY consider that statement.  Let it sink in.  Read it again if you need to.

Now… far be it for me to load you up with the responsibility to reach out and help the person that just bit you.  I won’t do that.  You do what your conscience calls you to do.


at minimum, make sure that you are only taking in distress where it is rightfully yours.  Remember my post that mentioned how we as individuals sometimes create our own distress?  Well, this would be an opportunity to NOT do that.

Just consider for a moment that whatever it is someone just did–whatever negative, anger/hurt-inspiring act or set of words–actually had nothing to do with you.  It was their pain spilling out inappropriately onto you because they could no longer contain it.  They’ve had enough.  They can’t manage it anymore. In fact, maybe it’s been a lifetime of trying to manage or slowly building up.  Perhaps they really believe you are the problem.  If it weren’t you that set them off, it would’ve been something else.  Or maybe something about you or your position or your relationship triggers a wound deep within them.

You don’t have to reach out to help them (although that would be awesome).  Even if you tried, you might not really be able to.

But you can choose not to take offense.  You can also choose not to engage with that person if they’re unable to stop and this is a regular occurrence.  You have the power to allow or not allow other people to upset you… which becomes distress or negative stress.  And that’s the stuff that derails you, your plans and your goals.  For many of my clients, my value as a coach is helping them get back on track when someone (or something) else derails them.

It’s in your hands.

Holler if you need help.  ;)


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Written by

Heather DeGeorge

On her journey to becoming a health coach, Heather built upon her personal experiences and self-education by learning more than one hundred dietary theories and a variety of practical lifestyle coaching methods. She holds a Bachelor’s from Centenary College, a Master’s from New Jersey City University, a graduate certificate from George Washington University, in addition to her Health Coaching certification, First Line Therapy certification and Project Management Professional (PMP) certification. She knows how to make things happen!

1 Comments to “It’s not you, it’s them… really”

  1. Great reminder that it’s rarely about us when someone lashes out. Ruminating about what just happened is rarely helpful. Bless and release is a good strategy. Not always easy. Wonderful food for thought! Thank you, Heather!

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